The courtesy of saying no; The case for redeeming the time

By Dr. John Betterson

 We all know that there are only 24 hours in a day. But, for some reason, we still manage to cram in extra time and crowd our schedules with projects and appointments within the narrow window of “awake” time that is available to us. I intentionally put the word awake in quotes to emphasis the main dilemma that we face. Regardless of what we might think, or try to accomplish, we do not have 24 full hours of effective anything available to us; at least not anything that we can sustain for continuous blocks of time. We’ve all been guilty of trying to do too much with limited time afforded to us. We jump from meeting to meeting, we over commit ourselves to events and now with the advent of technology and the ability to “show up” for things virtually, we sit in front of multiple screens or windows just to make good on our promises “to be there”. But if I’m attending a conference on one screen, a meeting on another, and listening to a podcast, am I really attending these activities? Technically, one could argue yes. However, to attend a session, a conversation, or meeting, I would argue that unless you are fully engaged, attentive, responsive, and fully present, you are never truly “there’ in terms of presence.  The temptation for us to feign a ubiquitous nature, can result in our failure to extend our colleagues, family, and friends the courtesy of being honest and saying no.

 When we’re asked to participate, or attend an activity, the assumption to the person asking is that when we say yes, we will bring our whole selves. Think about our own ask of others. Do we ever approach our ask of others in ways that we expect them to partially commit? Imagine asking someone to babysit a young child. If they say yes, would we walk away thinking that even though they said yes, they’ll more than likely show up and not pay too much attention to the child because after all, they might have other things to do at the same time, so their attention will be divided, and we’ll make room for that. Certainly not! I use this obviously extreme example to make the point about our commitments and propensity to say yes to everything without taking inventory of ourselves to determine if we truly have the capacity or constitution to commit to the ask. I believe that if we honestly assess our capacity and take time to review our calendars, we will increase our ability to say no to “some things” based on our limitations thereby extending our friends and colleagues the courtesy of saying no out of respect for the importance of the ask and delivering the truth about your availability to commit. When we do that, we grant others the freedom to move on and find someone who is apt, ready, and up to the commitment.

 I was reading through my LinkedIn page the other day when I ran across a thought-provoking question from the Regent Leadership Group. The question they posed went as follows: “What can you do to better protect your energy, time and personal boundaries?”  (Regent Leadership Group, 2025).  I was struck by the question, and thinking about my response it dawned on me. A possible remedy would be to extend people the courtesy of saying no. We often think of saying no as being rude, disrespectful, uncooperative, or just plain mean. In fact, using the word courtesy and no in the same sentence may seem paradoxical. I would contend that they are not. The courtesy of saying no in this context is not what we typically think of when the word no is used. What I am advocating for is a conceptual understanding of this overture. Saying no to “some things” can free up our calendars to make space for other meaningful activities, and when communicated correctly, it can save others time and energy waiting for us to commit and help us avoid the possibility of disappointing those we promised when we fall short due to the lack of time and inability to clone ourselves. I firmly believe that if we’re honest upfront about our limited capacity for time, we can save time on the front end and redeem the time.

 Moving forward, let’s consider what we’re actually able to do in a given day, resist the urge to over commit, learn from our past and give others and ourselves a much-needed break from the illusion of doing it "all" effectively!